Confidence is beautiful, especially during puberty, a time full of changes and challenges for young girls. Understanding why girls often lose self-confidence during puberty and how to support your daughter is essential for her emotional wellbeing.
Why Do Girls Lose Self-Confidence During Puberty?
For many girls, their first period marks more than just physical changes—it can trigger a self-confidence crisis. Research shows that during puberty, girls often struggle to express themselves passionately and may frequently respond with “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” to simple questions about their feelings and opinions.
This phenomenon, called “Loss of Voice,” describes a disconnect where girls feel alienated from their true thoughts and emotions. As a result, many develop low self-confidence and find it hard to assert themselves.
What Causes Low Confidence in Puberty-Aged Girls?
Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of Easing Their Stress: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure, highlights a spike in stress and psychological challenges faced by young girls today. She explains that many girls become so focused on meeting others’ expectations that they lose touch with their own goals and passions. They struggle to discover what genuinely excites and fulfills them.
Girls receive constant pressure—from media, peers, and society—about who they should be. These conflicting messages create stress and confusion, making it difficult for girls to develop authentic self-confidence.
The “Curse of the Good Girl” and Its Impact
Rachel Simmons, author of “Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls” and “The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence,” has spoken with young girls around the world and discovered that one issue causing the disconnect is the expectations for women in society — or as she’s termed it, “The Curse of the Good Girl.” Her research has shown that what makes a “Good Girl” in most countries is someone who doesn’t have strong opinions, never rocks the boat and is unerringly selfless. In other words, being a “Good Girl” is impossible to achieve and, in many cases, is the opposite of what makes a good leader or what makes a girl happy.
What makes girls happy (and healthy and powerful) is being themselves. To inspire girls to be true to themselves, Simmons founded the Girls Leadership Institute. But what can you personally do for your daughter? Simmons told Always the best thing moms can do to help their daughters during this time is to be an emotional refuge by validating their volatile emotions.
How Moms Can Support Their Daughters During Puberty
The best gift you can give your daughter is being a dependable emotional refuge. Validating her feelings—whether insecurity, anxiety, or anger—helps her navigate the emotional storms of adolescence.
As Simmons advises:
“Your mother validates your emotions—it’s okay to feel insecure, or fat, or betrayed, or anxious. Girls are questioning their feelings.”
If your daughter seems to be pulling away, don’t give up—learn how to stay close even when she distances herself by reading Tips for Staying Close When She Pulls Away.
Sources:
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“Easing Their Stress: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure” by Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler
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“Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls” by Rachel Simmons
